Frankenstein’s Lab

Agent 99 called me again today to report on the autopsy performed on pump number one. After returning home to Medtronic, Pump One was stress-tested to within an inch of its life. Well, that’s wrong. It was stress tested beyond an inch of its life. Apparently, the testing totally destroys the pump.

The findings: diddly-squat. Every circuit, every gear, every motor, every sensor preformed up to and beyond specifications.

I feel a little guilty. Pump One was disemboweled for no reason. Poor thing. I guess some of her parts will live again, as she’s now an organ donor for rebuilt, recertified pumps for folks beyond their 30-day Rubicons.

Other findings: the pump was not exposed to a strong magnetic field, so I guess that clears the UPS man. Nor was it exposed to radiation. I guess I’m glad to hear that, too.

Would I like a copy of the report?

Yes, please.

Agent 99 tells me that once the tech boys (and girls) write up their findings, the report has to go to Legal to make sure any references to any proprietary technology are removed. I have visions of one of those CIA documents released under the Freedom of Information Act where everything but the page numbers of the bottom of the page are blacked out.

“It could take up to eight weeks,” said Agent 99, “just so you know.”

Faster than the NTSB, I told her.

But that begs the question: if there was nothing wrong with the pump; why did it give off so many error messages? That’s the million dollar question. Well, at least the nine thousand dollar per pump question. At five pumps I’m only up to $45,000, well short of a million.

I’ll take mystery errors for $250, Alex.