Lost
I’ve lost
something.
Me.
Everyone
else says they can see me. But I can’t seem to find myself.
It’s an
odd sensation. There’s really nothing wrong, but nothing feels right, either.
Well, yeah, I’m still running tired. I nap a lot. Even as an infant, according
to my mother, I never napped. And I’m a bit forgetful. Yesterday, I drove to
Santa Fe without my wallet and without enough gas to get home. But that could
happen to any stressed-out, over-worked 50-year-old man.
I still seem
to be able to do my work just fine. Yes, it takes me longer to write than
before, but my editors assure me that the quality is unchanged. I can still
look at blood sugar patterns and understand what’s going on in my patient’s
bodies. I still remember all the diabetes meds, what they do, and what their
dangers are. I’m still able to spot the lies and self-delusions some of my
patients bring to the table. I am still able to comfort the newly diagnosed,
and to inspire the old hands who have fallen off the wagon to get back on and back
into the game.
So I am
functioning.
But it I feel hollow. Like an actor playing a part, instead of a
real, living, breathing human being. I guess that’s it. I don’t feel that I’m
alive, that I’m living.
Something
is lost.
I can’t
put my finger on it, but I just don’t feel… well, Me.
My joy, my
zest, my inner-sparkle seems to have died with the chickenpox.
It never
occurred to me that a disease could spare your body but kill your soul.
posted by Wil | 11:50 AM
5 Comments:
Depression? I hope you start feeling better soon.
It's the continuity, I think. The sense of being the person who was in your body last year- gone. The sense of being able to anticipate what comes next. Am I right?
It's been almost eight years since I lost it. I was keenly aware of it for between one and two years.
It won't go back to the way it used to be, but you will find yourself again Wil.
Hope your on the way to finding yourself Wil.
Alx.
Hey Wil, years ago you were writing about being broke and wanting to write a book and I told you to just do it. It's been years since I've looked at your blog, since you wrote your first book, and I see you've written four award winning books. Wow... I'm almost done with a book I've been writing forever but about growing up with the physical results of having had polio (it makes diabetes easier to endure). I need to take my own advice and finish the book. I hope you see life is full of wonderful challenges.
Will - hope you have made progress on finding yourself. Miss seeing the musings of the unfiltered Will. The non PC Will
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